I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
These tits shall not be calmed
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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