Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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