Kiss
Puke
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
