I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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