I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
