You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
