Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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