the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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