you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
