its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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