life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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