My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
