i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
