i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
