I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
