she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize