After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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