Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize