well I can't set my house on fire every night
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
