Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
