He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
