the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
