all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
