i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's shark week go big or go home
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
