the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
