just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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