hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
