In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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