I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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