FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
