between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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