Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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