I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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