i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
