So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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