glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
