I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
