dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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