I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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