I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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