Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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