I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Randomize
