I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
