I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
