I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
