We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize