are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
it hurts more in the daytime
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
