my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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