Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
