there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
