I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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