You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
