My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Do vagina's smell?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
