Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
