what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
