I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
