Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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