one word: firstdatebathroomanal
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sorry about my life...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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