i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Pooping to opera.
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