well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
