I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
