I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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