i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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