soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
