ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
