I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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