My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
